How to Use a Parking Structure

I think my next few posts will be helpful tips to the tourist population of Los Angeles. All of whom seem to be in my way as I head in to work.

First, WELCOME. How lovely for you that you decided to visit Los Angeles in August. Before the internets, a real live travel agent would have told you to go somewhere else at this time of the year, but hey, progress! Here are some of the things you can do while you are pretending that Hollywood and Highland is like the rest of Los Angeles.

 1. Pulling into the parking structure- If you have the arrow, DRIVE. IN. PLEASE. There is a long line of people behind you who also want to drive in. Those pedestrians on the sidewalk waiting to cross will be just fine. See the red hand they are looking at? That tells them to stay put while your green arrow is telling YOU to DRIVE IN. No need to be polite and wave them across, they get their turn next. Please just pull in to the parking structure.

 2. This is a huge parking structure, with 6 floors and thousands of spaces. It's okay to go down to a lower floor to park. In fact, it's encouraged. See the light up tote board that says there are 8 available spaces on Level 3, but yet 567 spaces on Level 5? Guess which one is easier to park on? So please, for the love of god, just keep driving down and stop lollygagging on Level 3. Those 8 spaces are behind poles. Please just drive.

3. Try to remember where you parked. They use numbers and colors, but you might want to take a photo of the pole. That's actually just a helpful hint and not anything that makes me insane. That will probably be the only non-anger driven comment in this whole post, so embrace it.

4. If you went down to level 5, you were easily able to park near the escalators and elevators. Here's a pro-tip. YOU ARE UNDER GROUND. You spiraled down each floor to park. You will want UP to get out. The top button means UP and the bottom button means DOWN.  When you press them, that means you would like to go in that direction in the moving box room. 

5. Why are you taking a picture of the Louis Vuitton store? Between that and the shot of the staircase, I can tell all your pictures are going to suck. I should just steal your camera to put it out of it's misery.

6. Get out of my way. I'm trying to cross the street. Perhaps you might like Venice Beach or Disneyland? Why don't you go there instead. 

7. GET. OUT. OF. MY. WAY.

8. I hate you all, and I also hate the event company that is staging whatever bullshit premiere that has decided they need to not only block the street, but not allow anyone to CROSS the street. And is parking cars on the street diagonally, just as set dressing. Please die.

9. It is 11:56am and I now hate all of humanity. I hope you're happy, fuckers.